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Your average Social / Corporate Touch team is full of the characters. With over 25 years experience standing on the side of the pitch running corporate Touch leagues around the World I’ve decided to catalogue the stereotypes I’ve seen out there. Tag a mate, even if they display just few traits mentioned below! I will do my best to add some photos (and maybe some market research) as time goes by!

Usual Suspects
Regular, chilled sporty Kiwi , only too happy to chuck a ball around socially after work and maybe share a refreshment or two with mates. (Touch, Netball, Soccer it doesn’t matter the sport).

Alpha Males
Sub-category of Usual Suspects, but missed the memo about joining the “Social” mixed grade. For the Alpha it’s all about the DUB, which might mean no subbing, no passing to the chicks and even flinging handbags, if out-alpha’d.

Like a baby turtle trying to make it to the shore, with a little bit of patience and grit, Newbies might become Usual Suspects. Until then they must serve their dues; freeze in the sub-box, not get passed to, be side-stepped and learn the 5m defence rule.

Unlikely Hero
Gangly stoner-looking dude rocks up with his skinny legs and creased shorts (someone’s brother or a friend from school). The team is looking at their shoes thinking “ffs, who asked this guy to play”. He starts on the wing (because that’s where you hide the trash) and then he makes a great touch, saving a certain try. Nek Minute he puts the hammer down to score a 60 metre touchdown. At the end of the game Alpha says “So Bro, fancy a game next week, it’s Ok if your brother can’t make it”.

Wackcitee – (“Take me to Wack City”)
It’s that guy that simply can’t help himself stepping (wacking)! His own teammates roll their eyes, stand and wait for him to trip, while all forward momentum is lost. Takimeetoo will either rotate 360, twist his ankle, run out of play or heaven forbid achieve glory by sidestepping the receptionist lady who’s filling in for the corporate team. One successful step will keep him coming back for more!

Catalogue Man
Invariably its that guy from Sales team. Always sporting a fresh fade, gym shorts and the cleanest, newest cleats (lumo). If he’s a rugby man its long socks and an AB shirt and if he’s into league a genuine bright yellow NBA singlet. He’s tanned with lovely Tats, but not too many though – just neat and tidy. This guy can usually play a bit if push comes to shove, but won’t sweat too much and certainly won’t be diving in the corner to win the game

Similar in many ways to Catalogue Man and sometimes a Newbie. The sports field is not their comfortable place and wish that team sport could be done at a Les Mills pump class, instead of a muddy touch field. Still, they are positive people and figure the tighter the clothing, the more tries you will score. Will receive proportionally more passes from an Alpha Male.

Exchange Student
Your teammates are late to the park and somehow “Fernando” or “Greta” the exchange student finds their way into your game. They look fit and they are super-friendly, but their soccer skills won’t help them here. After explaining “Over the mark” and “Touch and Pass” for the 4th time they get subbed and stand wide-eyed next to the field for the entire game as your 6 exhausted players choose not to Sub!

She’s a keeper!
Short of females, the team manager (who has the left wing position sorted) asks a new girl “Suzy”. “Apparently she plays netball and club soccer” she says to Alpha via DM. Suzy is quiet and nods knowingly in the pre-game talk – “The perfect wing, the Alpha’s think to themselves!”. 10 minutes into the game, Suzy still hasn’t touched the ball because the alpha males are convinced touch is played by 3 guys through the middle. Finally Catalogue guy lobs a softly-softly pass to Suzy (This is a team sport after all). The guys stop, expecting a turnover, when Suzy catches cleanly, throws the dummy, lengthens her stride and accelerates around her opposite number to score a 2 pointer. After the stunned silence, the General speaks, “YEEEAH, “She’s a keeper!”

The General
This guy is a Touchee (He knows his shizzle). Usually a short guy (a once-was-Alpha) between 30-45, who walks straight to the centre for the tap off. He’s a middle, wears NRL shorts, maybe a Galaxy or Auckland touch singlet to indicate he’s been there and done that! “You hit it up for me”, “Go Down”, “Split right”, “Early pass”. Newbies actually enjoy playing with this guy, because he talks, Alphas not so much! This “general” is the teabag in your cuppa, but then again he’s not everyone’s cuppa tea. The Fat Generals tend to live in the past but watch those skinny ones – they still go alright!

Wily Old Fox
Fox Man is Greying at the temples, in upper management, but not the CEO (because its a known fact that CEO’s can’t play Touch for sh!te). Anyway 30 years ago this geyser obviously played a bit of sport. Wily old fox never misses his man, is quick to sub because he plays within himself and can lift his game should some lippy 20 something threaten to show him up. Wily old Fox would sooner slit his wrists than let Takimeeto step him.

Arnold Swartznegger 
Arnie is a great guy and from the side-line looks like he should take the team to play-off glory. Problem is, he insists on a medium team shirt, when he clearly needs an XXL, his shorts are impossibly tight and he spent all his money on supplements so doesn’t have cleats. This all makes for a “gumby Arnie” and when he isn’t knocking over innocent opposition he is flattering to deceive. When The General puts Arnie into the gap everyone expects pace and muscular efficiency, the SBW of Corporate touch. Suzie, Unlikely Hero or even Wily Old Fox will catch him in a sec, if Arnie doesn’t trip and face-plant because he forgot leg day!

Touch Slut – (Gender Neutral as we have male and female sluts among us).
These “easy” going players can be found Wondering between fields making themselves available to fill in for any and all teams. They are not picky and go with any team, from A grade to super social! Its a badge they wear with honour and for most part these sluts are very useful to the organisers (pimps). Their prolific getting around, means they play well and can often make games even. That said beware the ALPHA TOUCH SLUT, who manage to create conflict and cause massive upsets in the knock-out rounds!

Mr Nice Guy – is the consummate Team player, quick to utter “my bad ” when it was actually the Fat general’s fault. He’s the kind of person your folks wish’d you’d become. A.K.A. “The 7th Player” because he starts on the bench (Who voluntarily does that?) and subs way too early to give others a chance. Never shouts or loses his cool with Takimeeto. He’s the guy who pulls the Alphas apart and is very likely to pass to Newbie. Easily an A grade player, but at home in the E grade. Nice Guy, never butchers a touchdown and will never dis the referee or the opposition. BUT.. Secretly, there is a nagging suspicion? Surely no one can be this Nice? Maybe a porn addiction, Axe murderer.. Just sayin!

Send us some Feedback from “TOUCH USO” and “TOUCH KAREN”

If you can think of any other stereotypes we can add – feel free to send them along.

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