Your average Social / Corporate Touch team is full of the characters. With over 25 years experience standing on the side of the pitch running corporate Touch leagues around the World I’ve decided to catalogue the stereotypes I’ve seen out there. Tag a mate, even if they display just few traits mentioned below! I will do my best to add some photos (and maybe some market research) as time goes by!
Regular, chilled sporty Kiwi , only too happy to chuck a ball around socially after work and maybe share a refreshment or two with mates. (Touch, Netball, Soccer it doesn’t matter the sport).
Sub-category of Usual Suspects, but missed the memo about joining the “Social” mixed grade. For the Alpha it’s all about the DUB, which might mean no subbing, no passing to the chicks and even flinging handbags, if out-alpha’d.
Like a baby turtle trying to make it to the shore, with a little bit of patience and grit, Newbies might become Usual Suspects. Until then they must serve their dues; freeze in the sub-box, not get passed to, be side-stepped and learn the 5m defence rule.
Gangly stoner-looking dude rocks up with his skinny legs and creased shorts (someone’s brother or a friend from school). The team is looking at their shoes thinking “ffs, who asked this guy to play”. He starts on the wing (because that’s where you hide the trash) and then he makes a great touch, saving a certain try. Nek Minute he puts the hammer down to score a 60 metre touchdown. At the end of the game Alpha says “So Bro, fancy a game next week, it’s Ok if your brother can’t make it”.
Takimeeto Wackcitee – (“Take me to Wack City”)
It’s that guy that simply can’t help himself stepping (wacking)! His own teammates roll their eyes, stand and wait for him to trip, while all forward momentum is lost. Takimeetoo will either rotate 360, twist his ankle, run out of play or heaven forbid achieve glory by sidestepping the receptionist lady who’s filling in for the corporate team. One successful step will keep him coming back for more!
Invariably its that guy from Sales team. Always sporting a fresh fade, gym shorts and the cleanest, newest cleats (lumo). If he’s a rugby man its long socks and an AB shirt and if he’s into league a genuine bright yellow NBA singlet. He’s tanned with lovely Tats, but not too many though – just neat and tidy. This guy can usually play a bit if push comes to shove, but won’t sweat too much and certainly won’t be diving in the corner to win the game
Similar in many ways to Catalogue Man and sometimes a Newbie. The sports field is not their comfortable place and wish that team sport could be done at a Les Mills pump class, instead of a muddy touch field. Still, they are positive people and figure the tighter the clothing, the more tries you will score. Will receive proportionally more passes from an Alpha Male.
Your teammates are late to the park and somehow “Fernando” or “Greta” the exchange student finds their way into your game. They look fit and they are super-friendly, but their soccer skills won’t help them here. After explaining “Over the mark” and “Touch and Pass” for the 4th time they get subbed and stand wide-eyed next to the field for the entire game as your 6 exhausted players choose not to Sub!
She’s a keeper!
Short of females, the team manager (who has the left wing position sorted) asks a new girl “Suzy”. “Apparently she plays netball and club soccer” she says to Alpha via DM. Suzy is quiet and nods knowingly in the pre-game talk – “The perfect wing, the Alpha’s think to themselves!”. 10 minutes into the game, Suzy still hasn’t touched the ball because the alpha males are convinced touch is played by 3 guys through the middle. Finally Catalogue guy lobs a softly-softly pass to Suzy (This is a team sport after all). The guys stop, expecting a turnover, when Suzy catches cleanly, throws the dummy, lengthens her stride and accelerates around her opposite number to score a 2 pointer. After the stunned silence, the General speaks, “YEEEAH, “She’s a keeper!”
This guy is a Touchee (He knows his shizzle). Usually a short guy (a once-was-Alpha) between 30-45, who walks straight to the centre for the tap off. He’s a middle, wears NRL shorts, maybe a Galaxy or Auckland touch singlet to indicate he’s been there and done that! “You hit it up for me”, “Go Down”, “Split right”, “Early pass”. Newbies actually enjoy playing with this guy, because he talks, Alphas not so much! This “general” is the teabag in your cuppa, but then again he’s not everyone’s cuppa tea. The Fat Generals tend to live in the past but watch those skinny ones – they still go alright!
Wily Old Fox
Fox Man is Greying at the temples, in upper management, but not the CEO (because its a known fact that CEO’s can’t play Touch for sh!te). Anyway 30 years ago this geyser obviously played a bit of sport. Wily old fox never misses his man, is quick to sub because he plays within himself and can lift his game should some lippy 20 something threaten to show him up. Wily old Fox would sooner slit his wrists than let Takimeeto step him.
Arnie is a great guy and from the side-line looks like he should take the team to play-off glory. Problem is, he insists on a medium team shirt, when he clearly needs an XXL, his shorts are impossibly tight and he spent all his money on supplements so doesn’t have cleats. This all makes for a “gumby Arnie” and when he isn’t knocking over innocent opposition he is flattering to deceive. When The General puts Arnie into the gap everyone expects pace and muscular efficiency, the SBW of Corporate touch. Suzie, Unlikely Hero or even Wily Old Fox will catch him in a sec, if Arnie doesn’t trip and face-plant because he forgot leg day!
Touch Slut – (Gender Neutral as we have male and female sluts among us).
These “easy” going players can be found Wondering between fields making themselves available to fill in for any and all teams. They are not picky and go with any team, from A grade to super social! Its a badge they wear with honour and for most part these sluts are very useful to the organisers (pimps). Their prolific getting around, means they play well and can often make games even. That said beware the ALPHA TOUCH SLUT, who manage to create conflict and cause massive upsets in the knock-out rounds!
Send us some Feedback from “TOUCH USO” and “TOUCH KAREN”
If you can think of any other stereotypes we can add – feel free to send them along.
Not that our prizes aren’t awesome, for instance a substantial Bar Tab, or a full team kit or a barbeque for 15 people or discounts off future fees etc, but from our humble beginnings in 2011, we made it clear we won’t offer prize-money and that higher grades wouldn’t get more valuable prizes than social grades.
WHY NO PRIZEMONEY?
With over 100 grades, across 15 Modules, earning our valuable prize-vouchers, we do spend a small fortune on rewarding our Winners and Runner’s up. “Winning” and striving to achieve within your grade is important, which is why we gear the whole season towards the knockouts and finals evening. What we do know is that winning the Open A grade or Super Social grade will mean exactly the same to those teams playing and doing their best.
Now that said; our organization TouchRugby.co.nz is not all about “Winners” either. We are about getting as many people playing Touch, about marketing and growing our competitions, being affiliated to Touch NZ and provincial associations, supporting referees and providing a solid admin base and IT systems for managers and captains.
For this reason we actually cherish our Lovable Losers – the ones who pay their fees, who reliably turn up, respect our referees and who make our small business viable. Paying elite teams prize-money does not make our organization financially viable, nor does it encourage all those average joe teams to start playing.
So if its Prize-Money you are after, you are welcome to hunt down the few remaining modules that offer that incentive. You go with our blessing and you are certainly welcome back at any time.
For now we are postponing Touch Rugby for the next 3 days. (Mon 15th, Tues 16th and Wed 17th).
As and when we receive MORE information from Gov we will make decisions and inform teams about when we can resume
Lets hope this passes quickly so we can resume playing.
Leagues affected are Coxes Bay Monday, Vic Park Monday, Vic Park Tuesday , Massey and Mt Roskill Seniors and Juniors, Auckland Grammar comp, Mangere com
Touch is always going ahead as per the fixtures online – Click Here
When there is rain in the air (especially during Spring) I am sure team members, parents and concerned parties will want to know – “ARE WE PLAYING?”
The answer will always remain YES, until we make a decision. There are no MAYBES. We don’t make a decision at a given time specifically and therefore the answer will continue to remain “YES” until we specifically inform your team that it is cancelled.
Then with regards to the actual decision to cancel, here is how we make the decision. We won’t CANCEL because its raining per say. We cancel if there is danger to life or limb, the chance of irreparable damage to the field and finally if we can afford to postpone fixtures, i.e. Weeks remaining in the season, daylight etc.
Here is how we cancel, if we do 1: We post and immediate update on our Facebook page – www.facebook.com/touchfiooty 2: We send an email from our IT SYSTEM like this 3: Your captain gets a text 4: As soon as possible we update the fixtures online (might take a day or 2).
We tend to leave the office after 3pm,so if ever you are mildly worried about rain you are welcome to TEXT to 021 249 3678 or the designated TOUCH line of 027 666 5668.
Thanks and see you pitch side – Graeme and the Team
Referees 11th October: All aspiring TOUCH referees and those needing a refresher or players wanting to branch into refereeing we are staging our “On The Job” training on SUNDAY 11th October at Fearon Park in Mt Roskill.
We will run 2 sessions on the day: Session 1: 9am – 12:pm and Session 2: 12pm to 3pm. Bring a whistle and an open mind and you can learn how to be a great module referees under guidance of some of nZ’s best referees coaches!
Coaching: Wed 7th October: Take the next step to becoming an awesome in-schools coach. Learn how to deliver engaging touch and turbo touch sessions. Improve your rules knowledge and learn concepts about developing referees
Learn more about AWHI, TouchFit 360 and NCEA rubric support
Fine tune your delivery skills and have a whole heap of fun!
Touch New Zealand Head Office – THE TRUSTS ARENA, 65-67 CENTRAL PARK DRIVE, HENDERSON -9am-4pm
If you are 40yrs plus (or an out of shape 35 year old) then pay attention.
This coming summer its time to get your dad bod greased, your tight hammy’s pinging and of course to give your better half a night off through the summer. (You could also consider financially supporting the local Rugby Club bar with your valuable patronage AFTER your weekly game).
* If we don’t have sufficient teams we will play in Mens Social grade
No team: Why not sign up for the the Touch GURUS – This is the team/club if you are OLD, have NO MATES and are Out Of Touch (Touch trifecta). We will chuck you in a team of unfit, over 35’s and enter you at our CORNWALL, MASSEY and ORAKEI Grades
Thanks Auckland Council / Parks for officially allowing us to play our beloved TOUCH on the City’s best bit of Green Grass, and not just in Summer either.
On Tuesday 28th July, we are set to play our FIRST Winter Lunch Time Competition. Click Here for more info Lunch-Time Touch
Yes, it will be greasy and slippery and that’s why we are making it compulsory to wear Moulded boots! We don’t want to send you back to the office with a bung knee!
We are also proud to announce that this Lunch Time competition will be run in collaboration with The Mass Sport Trust, a new not-for-profit charity who’s sole aim is to get the Masses Moving. Watch this space for more initiatives involving Touch and other mass participation sports.
TouchRugby.co.za Start Dates are as follows;
Monday 25th May – St Peters – TOUCH Newmarket
Thursday 28th May – North Shore Turbo Touch
Friday 29th May – Trusts Waitakere Turbo Touch
QUEENS B’day Weekend – No Sport
Sunday 7th June – Coxes Bay Sunday Winter Touch
Monday 8th June – St Peters Turbo Touch
We have been pleasantly surprised by the slight tweak in the government guidelines for playing sport in Level 2. (Previously SOCIAL DISTANCING was an absolute at level 2 and therefore playing a contact sport such as Touch was out of the equation).
Today Government relaxed their guidelines to say that Contact sport was permissible, as long as a a host of other factors were taken care. CLICK HERE
Luckily TOUCHRUGBY boasts quite a comprehensive “player register system” that we will be strictly ENFORCED. Only registered players will be allowed to play in a team and Referees will be equipped with ALL players to be contact traced. We will also take strict measures to ensure that equipment and the venues we play at are heavily sterilized.
SUNDAY TOUCH at COXES BAY IS NOW LOOKING AT STARTING ON SUNDAY 24th May (Followed by a Queens B’day Weekend Break) and then resumption of competition proper from Sunday 8th June.
MONDAY NIGHT NEWMARKET TOUCH IS LOOKING AT A MONDAY 18th MAy start or failing this a 25th MAY Start
Technically speaking we are still allowed to start our Autumn Touch competition on Monday 6th April, however I am thinking we will be pushing this out to the 20th April (After Easter). We would still run the full 12 weeks before flicking directly into the WINTER season Early in August.
The Sunday Morning Coxes Bay Competition is set to start on May 3rd and we are hoping to stick to this date. (Cross Fingers).
Of course I am watching to see if our friend COVID19 starts spreading in the community and if things get worse, we might be forced to push out the start dates later in May, reduce the weeks and costs accordingly, and of course potentially consider a total cancellation!.
The Autumn competition is FULL at this stage but I suggest before teams start withdrawing that we wait another week or 2 until we KNOW exactly wtf is going to happen! Rest assured you will NOT be forced to touch anyone infected with the virus!
That’s all for now – Graeme